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It’s an interesting topic on the podcast today! We’re diving into toxic positivity… what it is, what it looks like, why it can be hurtful and what we need to do sometimes instead of being “eternally optimistic.”
I know what you’re thinking…. “I can’t believe Katie, aka the happy chick is actually going to cover this topic!”
The thing is… this topic? It’s necessary, sister friend. You need to know that it’s OKAY to not feel like sunshine and rainbows allll the time!
Yep, even me… the girl who someone actually told “girl, you’re TOO happy.” (Lol! True story!)
Seriously sister, sometimes… I’m NOT happy. And it’s okay! Let me say that again… sometimes I’m NOT happy, and that’s okay! I wanted to just share that with you from my heart, from my typically bubbly self.
So… let’s go deeper here. What is “toxic positivity?”
It’s the belief that NO matter what, people should maintain a positive mindset. It’s a “good vibes only” approach to life.
People who are toxically positive tend to brush off problems, rather than face them. And they often feel guilty or shameful if they experience ANY negative emotions. They’ll do just about anything to avoid feeling sad, angry or disappointed, including hiding from the uncomfortable feelings. Toxically positive people also have a tendency to invalidate or negate OTHER peoples’ feelings and emotions, which can be deeeeeeply hurtful.
Toxic positivity is not healthy and it’s not a sustainable or realistic way to live life. NO ONE should be stuffing their feelings or stuffing other peoples’ feelings.
While I consider myself a “realistic optimist,” I really want to make this one main point… it’s OKAY to “feel your feelings.”
Here’s your permission if that’s what you need.
It’s okay to feel your feelings! I’m not saying to set up camp in a dark place and stay there, but I am saying it’s okay to experience the feelings and emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, confusion. Those things are a part of life! And they need to be acknowledged and felt… and THEN dealt with.
Almost always, there’s roots and beliefs behind our feelings and emotions. You can jump back to episode 76 for a deep dive on that. There’s a lot to unpack when it comes to the seeds that have been planted in our life, and our beliefs system, so I definitely want to point you back to that episode. It’s really insightful, so be sure to give it a listen!
I also want to make sure that you know it’s absolutely okay to come before God with any and ALL of your emotions and feelings…
The Bible recaps exactly what I said… it’s okay to feel your feelings. Just don’t sit in them forever.
I love reading through the Gospels. We get such an awesome picture of who Jesus was in the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and we see him experience and feel such a range of human emotions….
He felt anger when he turned over tables in the temple. He felt grief when his friend, Lazarus died. He even wept and mourned. You can’t get much more human emotion than that! Jesus felt hurt, disappointment and betrayal caused by someone in his inner circle. Jesus even felt anxiety when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane… when he was in such despair that he actually sweat blood as he cried out to God about his upcoming death… one that was going to be so brutal and… so completely necessary.
Sister, God knows how you’re feeling and he FEELS your feelings. There is so much peace and comfort in that.
Not only that… but he would absolutely love it if you’d bring your feelings and your worry and your hurt and come sit with HIM for a bit.
You know how, as moms we WANT our children to come to us with their problems so we can hold them and feel it with them and transfer the burden from them to us. We want them to talk about it with us, to lay it down and release it! It’s the same way with you and your heavenly father. Your daddy is waiting for you to crawl up in his lap with all your raw and real emotions.
Episode #54 here on the podcast is one of my all time favorite episodes. In fact, I go back and hit play on it often. I walk you through a guided visualization where you actually end up sitting in God’s lap. It’s pretty cool. You should check that episode out and even save it so you can replay it when you need it!
Sister friend… God sees you and he knows what you’re feeling. Taking it to him is a great place to start.
What else can we do so that we don’t fall into the trap of toxic positivity?
We talked about feeling your feelings for a bit. Acknowledge them, process them and make the decision that no matter how long it takes to work through those feelings, you’re not going to stay in that place forever. Remember, It’s okay to be in a low place, it’s okay to feel your feelings… just don’t set up camp and stay there forever!
I want to share three key words with you for when you’re walking through a less than ideal season or situation in your life. These three key words will help you to not get tangled up in toxic positivity…
- FOCUS.
What we focus on is what we will create more of in our life. So when we’re walking through something hard, we can focus on the problems or we can focus on solutions and the problem solver. That’s God, by the way.
I already shared with you that he’s big enough and strong enough to handle your mess, your confusion, your hurt, your grief, your anxiety. He actually tells us to hand over our worries and anxiety to him. Yep! He can turn our mourning and weeping into JOY, if we’ll give him the permission to do so.
When we focus on the Lord and his goodness, his word, his love… we can kick toxic positivity to the curb. We don’t even need it! I’d choose God’s truth over toxic positivity any day. In fact, the truth is (and what his word says is) that we WILL experience tests and trials in this life. But it also says that God will never leave our side and he’ll never stop fighting for us or loving us, even in those moments when we’re hurting, scared or angry.
- CHOICE.
Okay, sweet friend. You know I love you enough to tell you the truth. Here’s the truth… you are where you are today as a direct result of the choices you have made. Say it with me, “I am where I am today because of the choices I’VE made.”
Here’s the great part, sis… you’ll be where you are tomorrow because of the choices you’ll make from this moment forward!
You have choices to make. YOU get to CHOOSE. Every. Single. Day. You literally get to design your life. (I can help you with that, by the way. I’d love to spend an hour with you designing your life with intention. Check out the show notes to see how we can work together!)
Whatever moment or feeling or emotion you’re in right now? You have a choice to make around that! You get to choose how long you want to sit in that. You get to choose when to say “that sucked, and now I’m moving on.” You literally hold the power to choose what you want your life to look like right now!
- INTENTIONALITY.
Whatever you’re doing or feeling, do it or feel it with intention, all while asking yourself this question, “what is this season teaching me right now?”
Sister, your pain has a purpose! There’s wisdom to be gleaned from every thing we walk through. I’ve found that every season holds either a blessing or a lesson and it’s our job to intentionally seek it out.
It’s also our job to intentionally feel our feelings and intentionally work through things and intentionally move forward when it’s time. (Are you seeing a pattern here? I’m an intentional living coach, after all!)
One other thing we need to do intentionally, is to surround ourselves with a support system. We need to build our own 5 tribe and we need to do so with great intention.
Your 5 tribe is made up of the 5 people who you spend the most time with. The people who speak into your life. Those 5 people will have massive influence in your life. That’s why it’s so important that we choose them intentionally.
You need people in your tribe who understand the importance of empathy. Empathy trumps toxic positivity, always. You need people who can just listen when you need to share your heart, people who will “feel your feelings” with you. Those are your people.
Build yourself a 5 tribe of people who will let you dump out your heart and soul, and they’ll feel that with you, and then with empathy, not toxic positivity they’ll gently encourage you when it’s time to move on.
The right people won’t push you, but they also won’t let you stay in a dark place forever. They’ll let you get everything out that you need to get out, but they’ll lovingly stop you from returning to it over and over and over.
The Bible says in Proverbs 26:11 “As a dog returns to its vomit, so also a fool repeats his foolishness.”
I know… that scripture is both graphic AND powerfully revealing all at the same time, right?!
When you have the RIGHT people in your 5 tribe, they won’t let you “return to your vomit.”
(If you don’t remember anything else from this episode, I bet you’ll remember that statement!)
Sister, build your 5 tribe with people who genuinely want the best for you and BE in somebody else’s 5 tribe. We NEED people like this in our life and we need to BE like this in the lives of others. We need to understand and show empathy and love and wisdom.
My awesome friend, Carla Airey Colinares shared a graphic on social media a while back that had some great verbiage in it for how we can be empathetic, instead of toxically positive in supporting someone else when they’re in a season of struggle…
Instead of saying “just stay positive,” say “that must be really hard.”
Instead of saying “everything happens for a reason,” say “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Instead of saying “things will work out, look on the bright side,” say “is there anything I can do to support you?”
I can just feel the love and empathy and support in those statements. They are so good, so I wanted to share them with you as we closed this episode out!
Alright sweet friend, it’s the desire of my heart that you find great value here on the podcast every single week! If that’s true for you today, and you loved this episode, take a screenshot and share it on your social media, or even better, leave me a review in Apple podcasts.
It’s the best way you can help this sister out. Together, we’ll shine the light and spread more joy and Jesus out in the world. You bless me, sweet friend! I’ll see you back here next week, same time, same place!
For now, I’m signing off with great JOY!
