When Your Marriage Isn’t Where You Want it to Be (5 Things you can do to Improve It!)

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I remember the day well:

I stood at the kitchen sink, staring out the window. I felt like I was drowning. Our financial situation weighed so heavily on me that I daydreamed briefly about the “perfect, fairy tale marriage” I had constructed in my mind back when I was in high school. It was so far off from what I was actually living. 

My husband and kids sat at the kitchen table just a few feet behind me. Tears began to stream down my face. I didn’t want them to know I was crying, so I hid my face and quickly stepped outside. 

Once outside, I leaned against the house and sobbed uncontrollably. The stress on both my husband and myself had become so severe that it was actually changing who we were as people. 

We both felt distant, worried, anxious and full of fear. Our words had become sharp and cold. Intimacy was the last thing on our minds. Survival of another day was the only thing we could think about.

I heard the screen door open and my husband stepped out to find me. I didn’t want to face him. 

It only took seconds until he was looking me square in the eyes. I looked away. I wanted to disappear.

What he did next changed the game…

My husband gently lifted my chin. “You’ve completely checked out,” he told me. “I need you. The kids need you. We’re going to make it through this.” 

He put his arms around me and I cried for a solid 10 minutes, until his t-shirt was soaked. 

I had been called out in loving truth and it was everything I needed to hear. 

“I had been called out in loving truth and it was everything I needed to hear.”

-Katie Hedrick

It was time to turn off the noise and chaos around us, and make the choice to move forward, together. It was time to remember that we were on the same team.

We had made a commitment to each other many years ago when I was only 20 years old. We promised that we would love each other through all of life’s ups and downs. We were about as far down you could get, and at that moment, we made the choice to honor each other and our commitment. 

Look, the truth is there have been times when our bank account held 6 figures and there have been times when our bank account was in the red. We have been on top of the world, and we have been in the lowest of valleys, navigating illnesses and family deaths and car repossessions and the electricity being turned off.

Marriage is freaking hard. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It looks a lot less like picnics at sunset and surprise bouquets of roses and a lot more like taking care of each other during the hard times and vowing to never quit on the same day. It looks like loads of dishes and laundry and diaper changes… and loads of grace and forgiveness and prayer. It looks like working hard to honor the commitment you made to each other back when you were starry eyed and eternally optimistic. I remember telling my husband at our wedding… “I would live in a cardboard box with you.” 

He definitely reminded me of that statement a few times as we were walking through that season of financial hell that I mentioned!  

Trust me when I tell you that my husband and I have had our fair share of highs and lows, since we first met on a cruise ship headed to Mexico 15 years ago. Life has thrown us some blows that my 20 year old, love struck self could never have imagined back when I promised to spend my life with the blue eyed, country boy that I was marrying. 

Together we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve argued, we’ve grown, we’ve made babies and raised babies, we’ve chased dreams, we’ve built houses and companies and we’ve learned some really hard lessons… all of it, together. 

The one thing I can tell you, though… it’s been worth it. I mean it. Even at our worst, we learned some things that we desperately needed to learn… about ourselves, about each other. We’ve learned that every season holds either a blessing or a lesson. We’ve gleaned both. 

Thankfully our marriage has been a three strand cord since the beginning. No matter what season your marriage is in right now, I hope that’s the case for you, too. But it may not be. I’m here to tell you, sweet friend. There is hope. 

Maybe you’re struggling to keep the bills paid, or you have a sick child, or you’re exhausted or feeling unappreciated or unloved. Maybe your spouse has wondering eyes or maybe there’s even been deep, deep hurt. You may be feeling angry, scared or confused. It’s okay to feel that way. I would feel the same way. But… you don’t have to stay in that place. 

There is room for God to move. There is time for you to grow. There is a way for things to change. 

Here’s the bottom line. Here’s the truth… the change? It starts with YOU. Not your spouse. Pointing fingers or placing blame on your spouse will change nothing. HEAR ME. We cannot control or change others. The change must start with you. 

I’m about to give you a massive download of ways that you can work to improve your marriage starting RIGHT NOW. 

1. Seek the Lord and let HIM fill the role of “soul mate” in your life.

STOP expecting your spouse to fill that role!! My husband is my best friend, my lover, my partner… he’s everything but my soul mate. He knows that and he’s good with that! Seriously… my husband is so good to me (go back and listen to episode #19 to get to know him better- he’s awesome). Here’s the thing though…

As much and as deeply as my husband loves me, he could never fill my need for “agape” love: rich, pure and never-failing. That need can only be fulfilled by my relationship with Jesus Christ, my “soul mate” and my husband knows that. Not only does he know that, but He understands that he has the same need and he knows that I can’t fill it for him. 

Instead of putting unrealistic expectations on each other to fill that need, we each happily step aside and let the only one who can fill that role be the one to do it. 

Seek the Lord, the one who loves your soul on the deepest level. Find Him in prayer. Pray like you’ve never prayed before. Have you seen the movie “War Room?” If not, check it out and take notes. Talk about fervernt prayer! Pray and ask the Lord to strengthen your relationship with him and with your spouse. Begin praying God’s blessing and favor over your spouse and your marriage, even if you don’t feel like it, especially if you don’t feel like it. Pray wisdom over your spouse and yourself and ask God to show the one next step forward. 

You don’t have to know or see the whole big picture yet. Simply ask God to reveal your one next step!

Grow deeper in relationship with your soul mate by digging into the scripture. Open your Bible and search for and study what God says about marriage. It’s all in there waiting for you. Ask God to speak to your heart and listen for his whisper. He has a plan for your life, your marriage and your future that is good and He wants to reveal it to you. Sometimes though… he waits for us to ask, first. So pray and ask, and then listen. 

2. Embrace personal responsibility and then work to become the best version of you. 

That pivotal moment from earlier in the episode when Chad found me outside crying… it was a game changer, but it didn’t mean everything was magically okay…

Although we made the choice to press forward together, I realized that moving forward essentially started with me. I couldn’t immediately change our financial situation. I couldn’t change my husband and the way he was or wasn’t dealing with the stress and anxiety. But I could change me. I could work on becoming the best version of myself. 

I could grow and learn and adopt a positive mental attitude. I could become the best wife and mother that I could be. I could stand beside my husband in loving support, reminding him that I needed him as much as he needed me and I could lift my husband up on the days when he was down. I knew that if a man had a strong, loving, encouraging, faithful wife beside him… he could walk through any fire and come out stronger. I could strategize ways to be smarter with our finances, so that we could start making gains.

I worked intentionally, changing my heart and my mindset. I began to encourage my husband, I prayed blessing and favor over him, I prayed for God to pour out His wisdom on both of us as we navigated our most challenging season of life. I asked God to help us learn the hard lessons. I practiced gratitude to the extreme. 

Growing to become the best version of myself was the kickstart change that our finances, and marriage needed.

Dig deep and look up. In growing ourselves and growing closer to God, we will move forward to a happier, fulfilled and thriving marriage. It takes work. It takes digging in and intentionally seeking wisdom. If a thriving marriage is what you desire, start by growing yourself. Grow into the type of person that you would want to be married to! It has to start with one spouse. Let it start with you!

3. Honor. Honor, honor, honor.

To be quite frank, this is one of my soap box topics. Like every problem in this world could be solved by every person in this world choosing honor.

What is honor? Remember that little nugget in the Bible where Jesus said “love your neighbor as yourself?” Or the time he said “treat others exactly how you want to be treated?” That. Is. Honor. 

Can we just marinate in that for a minute???

What would it look like in your marriage if you treated your spouse exactly the way you’d like to be treated? If you woke them up with a kiss and a smile. If you started the day by asking them “what can I do to make your day better?” If you fixed their morning coffee or picked up their dirty laundry without grumbling. If you randomly texted them “I love you.” 

Would would it look like if you offered your spouse the best? If you put their needs ahead of your own? 

What would it look like if you expressed appreciation for all the things your spouse does… the big things. The small things. The things that no body else sees. What would it be like if you made your spouse feel like they mattered, like the were valued. How would it changed things if you treated your spouse like you did when you were first dating?! 

Displaying honor towards your spouse might be the most important thing you can do to start improving your marriage immediately. I DARE you to try this as soon as you turn off the podcast!

4. Get the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

Read it, take notes and read it again.  Spouses may receive love best in different ways. In this book, Dr. Chapman helps you recognize both you and your spouses love language. He also teaches you how to express your spouse’s love language to them, so their “love tank” stays full.

Knowing this information has been such a game changer in our marriage. It might sound silly to some people but I seriously feel SO loved when my husband does the dishes. It’s a task that honestly, I hate doing. When I realized my love language was “acts of service” it suddenly made total sense to me that his doing the dishes made me feel loved and valued! 

This book is so good… so eye opening. Order and read it asap and I promise you, it will bring lasting improvement to your marriage. 

5. Start looking for the JOY!

WHEN you seek, you will find and WHAT you seek, you will find. If your marriage isn’t where you want it to be, I would not be surprised to discover that you are looking for the negative in your marriage. You’re seeking all the things your spouse does wrong, all the ways your spouse leaves you feeling disappointed, all the ways your spouse doesn’t measure up.

Check this out… I once lived in a basement apartment. It was a cute little place, but there was a major problem. That little apartment was full of… wait for it… slugs. Like I’m not even kidding… actual Goliath sized, repulsive and terrifying slugs, like the giant snails, right?! 

It was so gross and I came to a point where I just expected to see these repulsive little creatures all over the place. I started looking for them. The more I looked for them, the more of them I found. *Gag*

Early in my marriage, I was looking for all the signs that could point to divorce. My young, naive self just knew that divorce was in my past, so it must be in my future. By the grace and intervention of God, that was NOT the case. I learned the things that I’ve shared in this episode and the Lord taught me to look for, seek out and expect the good in my marriage! The Lord taught me to look for, and create a joy-filled, solid, fulfilling, lasting marriage. (Go back and listen to episodes #1 and #19 for more on that!)

Here’s a Bonus Tip for today: Make the commitment to PRACTICE the things that you learn along your journey… the things from THIS episode, the wisdom from the Bible, the downloads the Lord gives you, the application of the 5 Love Languages, the expressing of honor and the seeking of JOY within your marriage… 

Alright, sweet friend… you can download my Happy Marriage checklist at KatieHedrick.com/MarriageChecklist and be sure to share this episode with a friend. Our marriages were meant to thrive, yours and mine! I’m over here cheering you on. 

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