Today we are talking about anger management for moms. And I couldn’t be more excited to dive into this because honestly, it’s something that I have been wrestling with periodically over here. And I hear from a lot of you that mom anger is something that frequently comes up in your life, too, and that you’re looking for tools and tips to be able to manage that better.
Today’s guest, Samantha Semans, is a wife to Matt, homeschooling mom to four littles, lover of Jesus, speaker, teacher, and community builder. She is the Founder of The Abundant Woman Collective which is a podcast, community, and Discipleship program for women who want to deepen their relationship with Jesus.
Identifying Anger Triggers
I feel like there are so many things that can trigger anger. And as a mom especially, it can feel really easy to get overwhelmed and emotional. And sometimes, or maybe even oftentimes, for some of us that does lead to those feelings of anger. And I definitely speak from experience on that.
Before we hit record, Samantha shared that she was having some tech issues that triggered some anger. So, I wanted to start by talking specifically about how she recovered very gracefully from that anger because I couldn’t even tell, as well as other examples she’s experienced that can help us shed some light on how to recover after being set off.
She noted that despite her typically easygoing nature, motherhood can add layers of stress that often lead to moments of frustration. These instances tend to arise when she is feeling overworked, overstimulated, or neglecting her own well-being. With children aged six, seven, and ten, disagreements over silly things can happen often, especially during car rides.
This is so relatable to me! A while back, I had to really do a deep dive into why my children arguing was so triggering for me. Like, why am I not able to process this and handle this? Well, the deeper I dove into it, I realized that mentally it was taking me back to a dark place in my childhood, when my own parents – whom later divorced – would have a big argument. So I seriously had to do some hard work on that, and undo the seed that had been planted in me. So, sometimes there are underlying things that can set off our anger.
Samantha mentioned that as moms, we’re trying to raise them to love people like God does. And when we’re busy, overworked, overstimulated, or not taking care of ourselves, live is still going to continue. So we have to identify those trigger points while also taking responsibility for our own part in the anger. If you haven’t had enough sleep, or you haven’t fed yourself, you need to take personal responsibility for how you show up as a mom because of that. Knowing your trigger points can be extremely helpful in helping us to manage and work through the anger.
Outside of taking personal responsibility, there are always going to be outside influences that trigger our anger. Samantha and I both shared a couple of experiences with driving in the city where this was an issue. But at the end of the day, our emotions can be projected onto our kids where they then feel our anger too. So it’s something that we have to be aware of and be cautious about.
Bringing Your Emotions to God
So, in these moments, how do we slow down, pause, and really seek the Lord to find the help that we need from Him to be able to handle the anger and all the other big emotions that we sometimes feel?
As moms, we’re aware of everyone else and all the different things and situations, but we’re not always aware of what’s going on with our own self. Samantha shared that last year, she was experiencing burnout and when her doctor was asking her questions about how she felt, she had no idea. It clicked that as moms, we don’t pay attention to ourselves.
She also mentioned that for women across the board, we need to learn how to abide in the Lord. When we can rest in Jesus, when we can be with Him, spend time with Him, that allows our identify to come from him, our motherhood to come from him. If we take that time to sit with the Lord, everything will come from him, not from ourselves who did not get enough sleep or enough coffee. That only comes from spending intentional, restful time with him.
Samantha says for a long time, she had the expectation that having a perfect, clean house, having children who were good, disciplined kids, and a great marriage were her identify. And it would feel like a giant checklist that she was responsible for. We tend to find our worth in our home and our motherhood and how our kids behave versus our worth coming from Jesus. So, it’s a shift that all of as women need to intentionally make which can be hard.
There are so many ways that we can spend time with God. For Samantha, she shared that you have to be intentional about making that happen and communicate your desire for that time. She switched from using the Bible app on her phone to using a physical Bible, which allowed for her kids to see that she’s not scrolling social media or playing a game. And she shared it’s been a great switch because now her kids will often join her with a book or their own bible and just sit with her.
She shares that the lie is that we have to have 30 minutes every morning with Jesus to be a good Christian, which just isn’t true or realistic. Yes, having that time first in the morning to set off your day would be great, but life happens. So, take Jesus with you wherever you are. If you’re in the car, turn on worship music. If you’re doing dishes or making dinner, pray. We get to keep God with us, all day long no matter where we’re at or what we’re doing. So spending intentional time with God everyday isn’t just sitting quietly with your Bible. It can be praying, worshipping, it can even be having a conversation and discipling your children.
Self-Control for Moms
Let’s talk about self control which is one of those beautiful Fruits of the Spirit, right? God tells us to have self control, and He tells us that we have the power to have self control in the Bible over and over again. How can we practice self control so that we can calm the storm within us?
Sam shared a lot of great points on this including getting in the Word, whenever that happens for you. Psalms 119 says, “How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
The Fruits of the Spirit are literally fruits that come from us. But in order for that to be good fruits, we have to put in the good Word. We have to put Him in our heart and hide Him in our heart. And so getting in the Word consistently, not only just reading the Bible, but memorizing Scripture and memorizing the Fruits of the Spirit reminds you of who God is in you and who you have the authority or power to be because of Him.
The second thing Sam shared about self-control is taking every thought captive. Everything is a choice, we can choose to be angry, we can choose what we’re going to think and dwell on. And so do we want to dwell on our mistakes that we made by having mommy anger? No. Do we want to focus on the negative instead of the positive? No. So taking our thoughts captive is important, but we only know to do that by reading the Word and bringing it inside of us so that it flows from us.
The third way we can practice self control is by letting God be our refuge. So many times as women, we think our emotions are individual to us, or that they’re too much or too little for God. The thing is, God wants to handle our baggage. Not only that, but God has experienced those emotions Himself. We see that in scripture where He cried, where He had anger, and happiness. And when Jesus was overwhelmed with those emotions, what did He do? He withdrew to spend time with His Father, He found refuge in God, the comforter.
God cares for us and He wants to spend time with us. He wants to take the anger out of our lives and replace it with joy, happiness, and goodness. But in order for that to happen, we have to actually give it to Him. No problem is too big or too small for Him. Not only that, but He desires for us to come to Him and build a relationship with him. Invite him into your situation or your problem, wherever that is.
Lastly, as women and moms, we have a million different roles that we put on ourselves but again, we need to prioritize taking care of ourselves. No, that doesn’t mean you go and spend $500 at the spa. But just as you need soul-care, you need physical care too. As moms, we think that we can just keep going and doing. But self-care is a legitimate, biblical principle. And somewhere along the line, society has made it seem as though burnout and busyness is a sign of success. So no, maybe it’s not a spa trip but more like, when was the last time you took a shower? When was the last time you had quiet time, or went out on a date night or a girl’s night? When was the last time you did something that you actually wanted to do? Take inventory of those things and make sure you are filling your cup too.
The Abundant Woman Collective
Sam goes on to share about the Abundant Woman Collective which is a ministry that she founded about a year ago. It’s a place for women to deepen their relationship with Jesus. It is for any woman in any season who maybe feels like there’s more for them. They’re done with checklists, done with religion, done with burnout. And they just crave more intimacy with the Father and intimacy with other women who are running after this together.
I loved learning from Sam today and so if this resonates with you or someone you know, make sure to check out the Abundant Woman Collective and Sam’s other resources below and share this episode with a friend!
Connect with Samantha!
