We’ve had podcast episodes recently about having hard conversations with God, about having hard conversations with your spouse, and today, we’re going be talking about having tough conversations with your kids.
Motherhood is a beautifully, wonderfully messy, hard, amazing experience. And talking with our kids is such an important piece of motherhood. As a mom, it’s something that we’re called to do. Just like our heavenly Father wants to have that relationship and communication with us, His children, we want to do the same with our own kids.
Today’s guest, Stephanie Kelsey is a Life Coach with an emphasis on healthy relational dynamics. Her experience is vast as she’s worked in biblical counseling, coaching, speaking, and leading women’s and pastor’s groups in both small and mega sized churches.
Stephanie helps women get unstuck, set boundaries, and experience healthy relationships.
How Avoiding Conflict Affects Our Children
Sometimes, some of us or all of us have moments where we just want to avoid conflict, because it can feel really, really uncomfortable, right? So, what happens if we just simply avoid conflict or hard conversations at all costs? Well, those relationships start to weaken. This rings true universally, even in our interactions with children.
People naturally crave clarity in relationships and even children can sense tension even if they don’t understand where it’s coming from When we leave this unresolved, it grants others the freedom to construct their own narratives, typically rooted in their own anxieties and insecurities. These narratives tend to be negative, leaving room for misunderstandings and disharmony instead of resolution and growth.
This holds particularly true for children. Despite the assertion that children are resilient, suppressing difficult topics can leave lasting scars. Think back to your own childhood. Maybe you can recall how your parents sidestepped discussing tough situations. While children may appear to soldier on, the absence of support and dialogue leaves emotional wounds untreated. Whether dealing with loss, abandonment, or interpersonal conflicts, those tough conversations need to be had. Children require guidance to navigate their emotions and emerge resilient from adversity. Investing in open communication and emotional support lays the groundwork for robust relationships and resilience.
Again, if you dealt with this growing up, that trauma can seep into your own parenting.
The Benefits of Having Hard Conversations with Your Children
While most tend to shy away from conflict rather than confront it head-on, it’s a normal and healthy aspect of relationships. The unhealthy side emerges when one party is either too passive or too aggressive. Striking a balance through assertiveness is key—being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and values, and expressing them through curious questioning rather than blame.
Many approach conflict by bottling up grievances until they reach a breaking point, resulting in explosive outbursts. This isn’t conducive to healthy conflict resolution. When handled maturely, conflict brings respect and fosters a sense of safety in relationships. Personally, I believe true friendship only solidifies after weathering conflicts together. It’s in these moments that we learn about each other’s triggers and boundaries, fostering deeper understanding and mutual growth.
For children, witnessing healthy conflict resolution sets a powerful example. It teaches them that it’s okay to express their feelings and work through disagreements in a safe environment. Unfortunately, many adults struggle in this area, often due to a lack of positive modeling in their own upbringing. So, cultivating healthy conflict resolution skills is not just beneficial for individuals but also essential for fostering strong, resilient relationships and nurturing our own children. Just Imagine how it’s going to change our family’s legacy, their lives, their future, and their kid’s lives.
How to Approach Hard Conversations with Your Kids
Let’s dive into the specifics of navigating challenging conversations with our kids. First, it’s important to understand that the foundation lies in building a relationship where our children feel truly seen, heard, loved, and understood. It’s about seeing beyond the behavior to the heart of the matter, listening to their perspective, and ensuring they know they are unconditionally loved, regardless of their actions. Even in moments of conflict, it’s so important that they understand they are loved for who they are, not just their behavior. In a way, we’re mirroring how God loves us, regardless of our actions.
Understanding, even when we don’t necessarily agree, is key. We can empathize by recalling our own struggles growing up—the hormonal changes, the uncertainties, the pressure to fit in, and the occasional missteps driven by instinct rather than rational thought. By offering grace and empathy, we create a supportive environment for our children to navigate the complexities of adolescence.
Different age groups certainly come with their own set of challenges. Let’s start with the younger ones, who are still deeply rooted in their desire to please their parents. Conflict isn’t as prominent during these years compared to the tween and teen stages. With younger children, it’s important to teach them respect for authority and help them understand that parents always have their best interests at heart. It’s important to choose your battles wisely, allowing them some autonomy when the issue isn’t significant, but also establishing boundaries that they need to respect.
Between the ages of three and the onset of the tween years, children are eager to please but also need to grasp the concept of parental authority. Stephanie gave the example of when her oldest daughter was around 12 years old, she began testing boundaries, especially regarding social activities. While Stephanie tried to explain her decisions, she also recognized the limitations of her developing brain. She encouraged her to journal her thoughts and feelings, acknowledging her perspective while affirming her own decision as a parent. This approach allowed space for her emotions while reinforcing the importance of respecting parental decisions.
Starting these conversations can begin even at a younger age, especially if you have a child who’s naturally inclined towards debate or persuasion. As soon as they’re able to write, they can engage in these discussions. The key here is to be innovative. Our minds often get stuck in familiar patterns, but taking moments with God to seek guidance can open up new avenues for communication.
One valuable strategy is seeking input from trusted individuals outside of the immediate family circle. For instance, Stephanie’s younger sister, who had children at a different stage, would often offer insights or observations about her own kids that she might have overlooked. While it can be challenging to hear criticism, knowing that it comes from a place of care and concern can help us address areas that need attention.
In the tween years, it’s vital to encourage independent thinking. This is their transition into adulthood, where they’re not yet teenagers but are beginning to form their own opinions and beliefs. One way to foster this independence is by asking them to seek guidance from God and then comparing their insights with our own. This approach empowers them to take ownership of their decisions and strengthens their spiritual connection.
Also, nighttime can be a great moment for deeper conversations, as their hearts are often more open during these quieter moments. It’s also important to prioritize capturing their hearts over obedience. Understanding their underlying motivations and feelings can guide us in addressing issues more effectively. By involving them in the reasoning behind our decisions and encouraging them to research and provide input, we empower them to think critically and take responsibility for their choices.
Ultimately, our goal is to nurture a relationship based on mutual understanding, trust, and love, guiding them towards adulthood with grace and wisdom.
Including God in Parenting & Hard Conversations
Including the Holy Spirit in the journey of motherhood is truly transformative. When we find ourselves in moments of conflict or tension with our children, it’s essential to pause and invite the Holy Spirit into the situation. This pause allows us to ground ourselves, shifting from a reactive state to one of clarity and connection.
By seeking guidance from the Holy Spirit, we can gain insights into our own emotions and triggers, allowing us to respond with greater compassion and understanding. Rather than reacting impulsively, we can approach our children with curiosity, asking thoughtful questions that invite dialogue and reflection.
One powerful way to involve the Holy Spirit is by asking for ideas and questions to ask during challenging moments. The Holy Spirit can inspire us with creative approaches that foster communication and growth within the parent-child relationship.
Also, embracing the power of the pause enables us to regulate our tone and demeanor, ensuring that our interactions with our children are infused with love and empathy. By validating their feelings and experiences, we create a safe space for them to express themselves authentically, fostering trust and mutual respect.
Including the Holy Spirit in the journey of motherhood allows us to navigate the ups and downs with wisdom, grace, and faith. It empowers us to cultivate deeper connections with our children and nurture their emotional and spiritual development with love and intentionality.
I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation with Stephanie and I pray it will encourage you as you navigate those hard conversations with your children. Be sure and share this episode with a friend and go check out Stephanie for more resources to help you grow deeper in your relationship with your kids. And as a result, I know that you’ll grow deeper in relationship with the Lord as well.
Connect with Stephanie!
- Hang out on Instagram or Facebook
- Visit her Website
- Watch on Youtube
- Check out Consumed Coaching
- Get Coaching from Stephanie
