Hey friends, welcome back to another episode of the Joy at Home Podcast. We’ve been talking for a few episodes all about hard conversations. We’ve talked about what to do when you’re non-confrontational and we’ve talked about how to have a hard conversation with God. If you haven’t already done so, feel free to go back and listen through those episodes. They were fantastic with tons of wisdom for you to take in.
Today, we’re going to dive into having hard conversations with your spouse, specifically around the topic of sex. And today’s guest, Mary Whitman Ortiz is a relationship coach who’s passionate about empowering healthy sexuality inside of marriage. As a Christian sex educator, author, and speaker, she helps couples globally and she’s regularly featured on TV as a relationship expert. She also trains ministry leaders and mental health professionals to facilitate sexual healing and wholeness. God brought healing to the sexual wounds from her past so she knows firsthand the joy of restoration and freedom. Mary is happily married to Tim, and they love to jet ski and travel together.
Embracing Differences in Marriage
Mary and Tim have been married for almost 10 years. She says they fall into somewhat traditional roles as far as how they manage tasks within their household and lives but mentions that she feels she is equal as Tim’s partner. She’s had the privilege and opportunity to know both sides of this because she was formerly married in a situation that was not honoring, and where she did not feel like an equal partner.
Now, Mary and her husband have had some tough conversations and a few personal experiences that have helped her connect with and help other women. One particular situation she mentions is that Tim, in the early days, would interrupt Mary when she was talking. This, of course, would cause her to become frustrated. But she learned that due to Tim’s role as a company owner, his communication style differed from her own in that he was more rapid-fire in his responses.
Mary shares that they also learned to adjust their schedules to find the best times for meaningful conversations, accommodating Mary’s desire to address issues immediately and Tim’s preference for morning discussions.
Additionally, they recognized and embraced the differences in their sexual desires and needs, approaching the topic without conflict or barriers and recognizing that there may be differences in a woman’s sexual drive versus a man’s. Through open dialogue and a willingness to understand each other, they fostered a strong connection and mutual respect in their relationship.
How Your Past Affects Your Marriage
I just love that and agree that good communication is key. But it’s so funny to me how a lot of times in a marriage, you’ll find one spouse is this and one spouse is that, like total opposites. And then you got the whole man-woman thing going on, and we communicate differently. You know, sometimes there’s an extrovert and an introvert or a saver and a spender. But at the end of the day, marriage is a prime example of a place where hard conversations truly have to happen. But these topics that come up for married people, whether it’s money, kids, or sex, can be difficult to talk through.
Mary mentions that this is because of fears that get triggered. And so many things go back to your childhood. What was the feeling in your family home? Sometimes very specific things were said, sometimes it was these messages that were just kind of absorbed. And if there was frustration, if there was, “Oh, no, it’s payday, what are we going to do?” then those kinds of messages get passed on. And as a child, it’s normal to you. So you bring it forward into your adult relationships and what is your normal may be different from your spouse’s normal. So, that leads to having to create something new that both of you feel okay with.
How to Initiate Good Sex Conversations with Your Spouse
Okay, let’s dive deeper into sex in marriage. I asked Mary to share some tips for initiating good conversation around the topic of sex, as well as what to bring up for discussion with our spouse in order to build trust, connection, and intimacy.
She says that some of it is really practical, and some of it has to do with logistics. It’s just like when Mary found that sweet spot for communication with Tim. Tim was all about those morning chats, while Mary’s more of an evening talker. So they figured out their groove, especially now that they’re empty nesters and love dining out. They discovered that hitting up a restaurant for routine chats works wonders. There’s something about the public setting that creates this neutral zone. Plus, it adds a bit of romance to their conversations. So it’s just figuring out a good time, the setting that would be best, etc.
Mary also stressed the importance of sharing the heavy stuff too, like past traumas. It’s all about keeping those lines of communication wide open. Trust is built on being real with each other and knowing who you are in God. But it’s difficult to have trust if you don’t have your own self-awareness and self-confidence. And it’s difficult to have self-awareness and confidence if you don’t know your identity. And as believers, we know our identity in God. So even though knowing their identity in God may seem like it has nothing to do with helping your sex life, it actually is very connected. As you grow more comfortable in your own skin and with your faith, those deep talks become easier.
I love the identity piece. And that also reminds me of just the role as the wife and how we’re called to love and serve our husbands. But the needs are different so learning how to address those differences in a way that is loving and honorable goes a long way.
Men’s Needs Vs. Women’s Needs
Sometimes for men, women also but men primarily, sex can be a shortcut to intimacy. And they can get that need met through sex. But actually, they’re shortchanging themselves and the marriage because there’s so much more to intimacy than sex. And women sometimes feel like they’ve got to talk more before she can give herself to sex. And if she starts to realize, “Wow, this is such a gift from God that will bond us. And I don’t have to fight for my voice to be heard quite as much because I can trust the pattern that God made,” then it’s easier for her to give herself to sex maybe a little faster. For women, it is definitely a mental yes before it is an emotional yes, and before it is a physical yes. So there is a lot going on, but that means she’s also very powerful because it’s her thoughts. And we are called to be the manager of our own thoughts and to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. So we are called to do it, but we are also equipped to do it.
Navigating Uncomfortability in Hard Conversations
When it comes to really hard topics like different positions during sex or things like pornography, or maybe having another baby, those can feel harder to navigate.
Mary reiterates the importance of having these types of conversations at the best time so that you’re not just venting. We want to be mindful and respectful. She suggests getting clear on yourself and your objective. And remembering that the number one goal for a marriage is to be closer. So as long as that’s what’s driving you, then you can learn a lot and get closer even if you have different perspectives.
Becoming uncomfortable during these types of conversations can happen because again, you and your spouse are different people with different perspectives. And the more okay you are with them being different than you, the more your spouse will be okay with you being different than them as well. We were not mean to be identical. We were meant to enrich each other with different points of view.
If you are feeling uncomfortable, check in with yourself aout what is causing that fear. Once you identify what fear has been triggered within you, it’s going to help you become more vulnerable which creates more trust and closeness.
It may feel awkward, especially if it’s new territory but your spouse has the opportunity to use that as a learning point. You both may be uncomfortable at times but you can still be there for each other and get through that moment without staying stuck there.
Repentance, Forgiveness, and Self–Control
Repentance and forgiveness are also a piece of this and play into building trust in your marriage. Mary mentions that she thinks of repentance as a reset. Anytime we feel there’s a block or like there’s distance, then we check our hearts with God first and then with our spouse. And if we’ve held on to fear instead of love, that’s the opportunity to repent, because God has given us this model of covenant living, and it is how we get to interact as a husband and wife. He modeled that for us.
So being able to trust, being able to say, “I messed up, I was afraid, I let fear guide my thoughts, my words, my actions. And I’m sorry to you, I’ve repented to God”, anything that we can do like that, once again, builds more trust and builds more closeness.
That also makes me think of self-control. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but power, love, and a sound mind. And some translations say self-control. So He wants us to feel empowered. When we know who we are in God, when we know our identity, we’re no longer living as orphans, we’re living as His children, and His children have access to Him. He has equipped us to be powerful too, which means managing ourselves. And when we can manage ourselves, it just reduces the anxiety in the relationship. Then, each spouse feels more ready to show up and be authentic.
God Created Us to Become One
For me, this whole conversation just makes me think of unity and the oneness that God talks about in a marriage when the two become one.
When it comes to sex, God created us to become one spirit, soul, and body. And that is an example of unity and actually, to be integrated within yourself and united within yourself, so that you are aware of what’s happening in your spirit, in your soul, in your body, that’s what you bring to the relationship.
I find that so encouraging and I think that sex gives us a beautiful opportunity to have self-control and to take our thoughts captive. I know, especially as women, our minds can be in a million different places, even in the bedroom. But if you are able to really take those thoughts captive and really focus on the beautiful gift that God gave us and the unity, and building that connection and intimacy and that relationship, I just find that really encouraging.
So, having hard conversations about sex can and/or will lead to a healthy fulfilling sex life for both the husband and the wife. It is worth the awkwardness of the conversation because you will feel healthier, and then you will feel stronger. And you can face anything together when you have that strength within your marriage.
This conversation with Mary today was so good and I hope and pray that it brings encouragement and helps strengthen your marriage.
Connect with Mary!
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- Connect via email
