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Not that long ago, I sat riding in the passenger seat of our family’s Expedition while my husband was at the wheel. He was fuming silently and there were hot tears streaming down my face. It felt like I had entered a whole new level of “broken.” I was replaying the hurtful conversation that we had engaged in just moments earlier in the giant bedroom of our beautiful new home, a home that we had just recently moved into. From the outside looking in, I had everything. A new house, a beautiful family, a life that included travel and security and most importantly, the love of my Heavenly Father. Shouldn’t I look happy and be happy and feel happy ALL the time? I wasn’t sure what the right answer to that question was, and I felt so guilty.
I silently pondered how the heck we had gotten ourselves into such a mess, as I recalled the insults we had just hurled at each other. Though we typically didn’t argue often, that morning’s explosion had included a lot of choice words… pretty much every single one you can think of. It got ugly. And it hurt deeply.
On top of walking myself back through the argument, I also foolishly allowed myself to mentally revisit a really dark day circa the late-1980’s. It was a memory of my childhood self sitting on the kitchen floor beside my mom. We were both crying. She was in the midst of a storm known as “divorce,” and my empathetic childhood self knew that she was hurting, so it made me hurt too.
It was a mess. I felt deeply wounded and to make it worse, those memories from my past had just flooded up inside of me and poured out like salt into the wound.
And then? Amidst the hurt, I realized something… regardless of what that morning’s argument had been about, the bottom line was that my husband didn’t feel respected. And I didn’t feel satisfied, cherished, loved or appreciated. And I was pretty sure that somehow, we both shared some blame in that.
Side note: there’s a book called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that addresses the love and respect issue that’s such a common friction point between husbands and wives. You might want to check it out.
As I sat there with that realization, God began to speak three truths into my wounded, hurting heart. I want to share them with you today because it’s very possible that you, my sweet friend, are walking through that exact same scenario and that same hurt in your life right now. You could be sitting in the proverbial passenger seat, just like I was on that day when my heart felt so wrecked…
Truth #1. God is the only one who can ever truly satisfy.
The truth is… there’s a God shaped hole in your heart, in your soul. And the love from a God who is perfect and true and holy is the only thing that will ever fill it. It’s the only thing that satisfies…
The world screams at us to find our “soul mate,” a human being who will supposedly complete us. The thing is, there is no such thing.
It drives me crazy when I see people on social media or elsewhere professing that they’ve found their “soul mate” in another human being. My husband and I have always had a mutual understanding that we are not each others’ soul mate, but rather, Jesus is the one who fills that role. In the car that day, God had to remind my heart of that very truth.
Our spouses are human, and they will inevitably leave us feeling unsatisfied at times. But when we put our ultimate hope and satisfaction in God, we can have a solid foundation that withstands the ups and downs of our relationships.
God is the only thing, the only one who satisfies and Psalm 147:3 reminds us that He stays close to, and heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. When we feel broken and unsatisfied in our marriage, turning to God and seeking Him wholly can bring us comfort and restoration and the fulfillment that we may not be getting from our spouse.
Truth #2. Shift your expectations and practice servant-style love instead.
I can’t be the only one who sometimes feels “let down” by my husband. The truth is that all too often, I pile unrealistic expectations on him and then he fails to meet the impossibly high bar that I have set. Yep, I said it. I just admitted it. Can you do a heart check and do the same?
As women, we are champions at setting unrealistic expectations and then walking through that dreaded feeling of “let down.” Think of your last birthday, holiday, date night…
Did it play out differently than what you had built up in your head?
Yep, I’m pretty certain you’ve experienced this in your marriage, your life, and your dreams. Some of those things didn’t turn out how you expected and it’s left you feeling really discontent. I honestly think our unrealistic expectations are the root reason for our discontentment as women. The wild thing is, because we are human, our expectations can so easily be rooted in selfish desires. It’s sad, really. It’s why we must choose to pursue holiness over happiness. It’s why God calls us to die to self, to lay down our pride, our ego and our wants and to learn to put others ahead of ourselves.
Did you ever consider that maybe, sometimes, your husband feels let down by YOU too!? We never want to think of it that way, do we?
Look, as wives, we fall short. We miss the mark. We put our kids above our husbands sometimes. (In my case, way too often.) We fail to meet not only our husband’s expectations, but his actual NEEDS, sometimes. Hello? “I’m too tired tonight. I have a headache tonight.” This expectation thing… it goes both ways. If you’re feeling let down, or like your expectations aren’t being met, at least consider that it could be going both ways there.
I think we’d all be better off, if we would expect less and love more. Demand less and give more. Think of ourselves less and our spouse more. Be selfish less, and serve MORE. What could that look like for you? What would that do for your heart? And for your marriage?
Let me be clear that I’m not implying that you should have no expectations at all, but rather that your expectations should be realistic and considerate of your spouse’s needs and limitations, too. We should be willing to communicate openly and honestly, and be willing to give and take, and be willing to consider what our spouse might be feeling around the fact that we, ourselves are sometimes failing them, too.
I think it’s all comes down to intentional love and service. You are called to be a “love him” wife, not a “layer on the expectations and guilt him when he fails you” wife. God created you to be his lover, his helper, his cheerleader. NOT his mom, and NOT his coach. God called you to model the servant style love that Jesus showed…
Jesus came to serve, not to be served and he spent his life dishing out servant style love and leadership. Be honest with yourself, how are you currently serving your husband?
Servant style love is HARD. But practicing it will lead to a shift of your expectations and a whole lot of healing in your heart and marriage.
Truth #3. Personal responsibility is key.
Personal responsibility… oh, this one is HARD, but KEY.
The truth is… someone has to go first. Be it shifting expectations, or asking for forgiveness, or giving forgiveness. Someone has to go first. I say, let it be YOU.
I’m guessing that no matter what is going on in your marriage right now, that you had something to do with it. In fact, I know you did. Because why? Because we are all fallen, imperfect human beings. We all make mistakes. We all place blame. And very few to none of us actually WANT to take personal responsibility and admit that we are part of the hurt, part of what caused the problem.
Personal responsibility says “I own the fact that together, we messed up and I want to start moving forward and making it right.” Personal responsibility is where hurt stops and where healing starts. Also, it actually takes the pressure OFF of you, believe it or not. When you own your part, it’s pretty hard for the other person not to soften and own their part too.
To take personal responsibility is to show maturity, holiness and sacrificial love, because it’s laying down your pride and ego, even when you don’t FEEL like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it. It really is the first step in breaking the cycle of hurt. When you take personal responsibility for the wounded parts in your marriage, it will automatically move you into a place of healing.
Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Kiss your pride and ego goodbye. Own up to YOUR mistakes in your marriage that have led to hurts and wounds. Practice honor, (Romans 12:10 says “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves,”) and just watch as healing happens in all the places of your heart and marriage.
One final reminder, and that is the importance of forgiveness.
Forgiveness, and love cover a multitude of sins.
Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.”
Colossians 3:13 says “Bear with each other and forgive one another… Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
1 Peter 4:8 says “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Forgiveness, and love are crucial elements in healing hurts, and in repairing and restoring relationships. As followers of Christ, we are called to extend grace and forgiveness and to love our spouse, just as God has forgiven us, and just as he loves us. This means that we’re called to love our spouse unconditionally, even when they make mistakes or fall short.
To wrap it up, love that is based on a lie about who your soul mate is, or that’s based on meeting your unrealistic expectations or that’s based on ego or pride is fragile and easily broken, but love that is based on truth and honor and servant style love is powerful and transformative and is so capable of healing.
THAT, sweet friend is what I want for you. I pray that these 3 tips brought healing to your hurting heart today and that you can look at your marriage with fresh perspective and hope, and most of all that you will take action in moving forward in your marriage. With the help of your Heavenly Father, I know you can and will.
