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Hey sweet friend!
Today’s episode is a special treat because my hunky husband, Chad, joined us on the show! We’ve been married for almost 16 years and today, we’re talking about emotional modesty. This conversation was actually prompted by a YouTube video by Pastor Jimmy Evans from Marriage Today. The title of the video is “Modesty with Men and Women” and just to give you a quick recap, it basically talks about how men oftentimes are what he was calling emotionally modest. And women oftentimes are physically modest. So, I sent Chad the video and brought him on the show to share his thoughts on this topic!
We did not talk about this in advance at all, so I was kind-of nervous and kind-of excited to pick his brain. And as you’ll soon see, he shares with TOTAL transparency. It’s one of those conversations that I think every woman wants to have with her husband, but it’s super awkward. So, we’re dishing it all out here…because why not, right?
Masculinity in Society
In the video, Jimmy talks about how women tend to be physically modest. And he was giving the example of women having sex, which being a woman, this makes total sense…this feeling like we need to be in a place where we can really be open intimately, like we want the lights down low, a lot of times we are feeling self-conscious, and so we want to be covered up under the covers. We just want to feel really private, safe and secure and know that we are in a very safe place before we feel like we can open up intimately. Then, he goes on to talk about how men are that way too, but on an emotional level. This kind of blew my mind and so I had to get Chad’s perspective on this.
He mentioned that it actually hit home perfectly and he talks about how it really comes from a couple of areas…how men are wired and the pressures from society for men to be the strong cornerstone and how they’re not supposed to show their feelings. And if they do, it’s typically away from society, in the privacy of their own homes, the place they consider their safe space. Sometimes, due to holding it in and the stresses of everyday life, the family typically gets the blunt end of that which can just be a train wreck.
I want to note here that I feel like the world is sending this message today that masculinity should be stripped away. And it’s so heartbreaking because we need our men to be men and we need to raise our boys to grow up to be honorable and productive men who love God and want to love their family as well. We need men who will step into that masculine role of provider and protector. God created men to be courageous, bold, and brave but also loving. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church and he should absolutely be doing that. But I feel like we need to really encourage the masculine side of our men and let them know it is okay to feel your feelings, too. I mean, everyone has feelings. Everyone has emotions.
Marriage is a Three Strand Cord
Chad also mentioned another great point about the importance of keeping our husband’s feelings inside the home, between the two of you, and not gossiping or sharing with outside friends and family. If your husband has shared something with you, no matter what it is, you sharing it with your girlfriends, parents, etc. is crossing a line. And sometimes, that can just happen in the moment where it gets exploited unintentionally. Because let’s be honest, everybody loves to gossip. I mean, it’s a sinful nature of humans. And in the video, Jimmy makes a point about how men don’t want to talk about their feelings. You don’t see guys sitting around a table asking each other how they’re feeling and sharing their emotions. They’re likely talking about sports or hunting or cars. Lol, right? They are wired for the adventure side and even though that emotional side is there, men deal with it in a completely different way. Chad and I could have an argument before we go to bed and he wakes up in the morning with a clean slate. That’s such a big difference between women and men. They don’t tend to hold grudges like women do. So, there’s some encouragement for you sisters…just let things go!
I think one of the things that has served us so well in our marriage is that from the very beginning, we decided we’re a team. We’re a three strand cord, right? The Lord is the center. But we’re a team and we have this motto that says we will never quit on the same day. He’s my safe place and I’m his safe place. That’s what we’re called to be and when we are that safe place for each other, that’s when everything is functioning really well.
The pastor who married us gave us one of the best pieces of advice that has served us so well in our marriage…he told us that if you’re having a problem between each other, do not ever go to your own parents or to your family members and talk badly about your spouse because they’re going to want to protect you and they’re going to take your side. It’s going to drive a wedge between you and your spouse and then it starts planting seeds of doubt in you.
How and When to Get Our Husbands to Open Up Emotionally
Okay, so how do we can get our husbands to open up emotionally to us, and is there a right way or a right time to do it? And then, once they’ve opened up, what do we do with that? What do they need from us at that point?
Chad shared some great insight on this! Now, it certainly isn’t a one size fits all answer and it definitely depends on the day. You likely know your spouse better than anyone and can tell whether or not it’s a good time, but Chad, giving us the honest truth, said that the best time is actually right after sex. He said that after that intimate moment, your husband is going to be thinking differently, he’s going to be more mellow and more willing to answer questions that he wouldn’t have answered at a different time. And it just comes from that moment of connecting and becoming one with each other.
And what do we do when that happens? It comes back to what we talked about earlier…don’t run and gossip about it. You take their feelings, actually listen to them and cherish the fact that he opened up to you, just like you would expect him to do for you. Your husband may not open up very often, so when he does get to that level, he wants to have the honor of knowing that it’s going to stay between the two of you. And knowing that not only is it going to stay within that circle but also that it isn’t going to be used out of context. Chad mentioned that just because he shares a feeling with you at that moment, it doesn’t mean that he is feeling that way 24/7. He brought up a great example of a time a few weeks ago where I had asked him a question about something, and it was right after a rough ballgame, so a stressful time, and he acted like kind of a jerk (his words lol) in his response. As he mentioned, it hit him at the wrong time and I just got his answer in that moment. And the next day, it was a different answer. So it was all about the timing and the context of the situation.
So, if we’re asking our guy to open up to us, we better be ready for whatever it is that he has on his heart in that moment because he’s probably going to share openly and very honestly what he’s thinking. So, if we’re asking, we need to be making sure that we’re in a good mental and emotional space to receive whatever it is. I mean, I’ve walked this out long enough and learned enough to know that although I did stew on it for probably a hard 24 hours when he answered me the way he did, I then took a good hard look at it and reframed the question at a much better time. I think there’s so much wisdom in knowing that we really need to pay attention to the timing, the headspace that we are in, that our husband is in, and just really be prepared to open up our hearts.
Making Our Husbands Feel Loved and Supported
When it comes to making our husbands feel supported and loved, I just had to ask Chad his thoughts on this. Of course, this is another area that is going to vary for each husband, but Chad definitely was honest with his thoughts on this area!
He spoke to the fact that sometimes, we ask our husbands to do something or help us with something and then criticize them for not doing it the way we would do it. It’s like we’re asking them to take control of a situation, whether it’s in parenting or something around the house, but then we don’t actually go all the way through with it because it’s not our way. It kind of goes hand in hand with what we were talking about, where we’re asking our husband to step in and be the leader and show masculinity, but then we step in and try to control. And we’ve talked about that on the podcast before, the curse in the garden back in the book of Genesis. Some translations of the Bible read that after sin enters the world, Eve’s desire would be to control her husband and that there would be some conflict there because of that. And so I think a lot of women have this natural desire to control, to ask their husband to do something and then they step in. It kind of goes against our own very sinful, built-in nature to have the self-control that we need to have to let our husband step up and be that masculine leader of our family whom God has called him to be.
As far as feeling loved, Chad mentioned the words honor and respect. I also definitely want to recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It has been so insightful and helpful in our marriage. It talks about how there are several different ways to give and receive love within all relationships, but specifically within your marriage. I would encourage you to check it out and learn about each other’s love languages. Chad and I dive into this more on the podcast as he shares that his love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch.
And then we took it a step further as I asked him how many times a week, ideally, he desires to have sex. Yeah, we went there. And let’s just say his answer was a bit higher than I was expecting! Be sure to tune into the podcast for that insightful…and entertaining conversation!
This was seriously one of my favorite episodes we’ve done on the podcast, and I hope it blesses you and brings a new level of wisdom and understanding to your marriage.
